Surviving Seattle: A Family Affair
by Dubenko Diehard
Summary: Take a look at what life is like for the RossHathaway family after Carol's move to Seattle. Takes place on and immediately after 'Such Sweet Sorrow'.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Surviving Seattle - A Family Affair Part One  
AUTHOR: Lindsey  
EMAIL: DR/CH romance  
RATING: R (language and possible sexual situations)  
SPOILERS: Generally, the entire series. Specifically, 'Luck of the Draw' - Season 1, episode 13, and 'Such Sweet Sorrow' - Season 6, episode 21  
ARCHIVE: please email me and tell me where  
DISCLAIMER: All characters are the sole property of NBC, Amblin and Constant c Productions (unless otherwise noted). These stories were written for pure enjoyment (by both the author and the readers) and in no way reflect what will happen on future episodes of 'ER'. These stories DO, however, contain SPOILERS from past episodes (which vary by story and are noted as such) so if you haven't seen certain episodes, read with caution!  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Authors live for reader feedback! PLEASE let me know what you think of this (and any other) story. Your comments, questions and suggestions are all welcomed and greatly appreciated! CHARACTER OWNERSHIP: Michael Ross, Leslie Fielding  
SUMMARY: Take a look at what life is like for the Ross-Hathaway family after Carol's move to Seattle. Takes place on and immediately after 'Such Sweet Sorrow'.

"Where are the girls?"

"They're with my mom," Carol said, taking a look at her surroundings. "It's beautiful here."

Doug just grinned and kissed her again. Smoothing back her hair, he asked, "Are you staying?"

Nodding slightly, Carol looked up at him and smiled. "I'm staying."

Just then, a rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance. "We should get inside..." Doug mumbled, stroking her face. 

Lost in his touch, it was all Carol could do to mutter an "Mmm-hmm..." in reply.

"It's... gonna... rain..." Doug said, kissing her softly with each word, sending chills up her spine. Chills she hadn't felt for what seemed like years.

Eventually, slowly, they made their way across the lawn and onto the front porch. Pushing the screen door open, Doug kicked the main door with his foot, revealing a sprawling house with wood floors and a winding staircase. 

For a moment, Carol stood there, open-mouthed. Giving her a grin and his signature chuckle, he literally swept Carol off her feet, causing her to let out a squeal of both surprise and happiness.

Once inside, Doug gently set Carol on her feet. Taking her hand, he asked, "So, would you like the grand tour?"

At Carol's agreement, Doug led her around his spacious house, showing her the large kitchen, massive living room, three guest rooms and a master bed and bath. "God, Doug, this place is beautiful," Carol commented as they found themselves back in the living room. The rain began to fall then, pelting against the windows with a fast, continuous 'tap, tap, tap' sound, as thunder and lightening could be heard and seen in the distance.

"Have a seat," Doug said, gesturing Carol toward a black leather couch.

"Thanks," she said, settling herself against the cool material. Suddenly uncomfortable, Carol slipped a stray curl behind her ear. "So..." they said in unison.

Laughing nervously, Doug sat beside her. "How are the girls?" he asked.

"Great," Carol said, grinning at the thought of her daughters. "They're two happy, healthy, 6 month old bundles of energy."

Doug smiled as he listened to Carol talk about their girls. He could easily see how much they meant to her and seeing that in person - seeing that it was all for real - made Doug's love and respect for Carol grow deeper.

"Look, Carol... I..." Doug tried his best to put his thoughts into words.

Carol shook her head. "Don't, Doug," she said. "It's okay. You don't have to..."

"No, just hear me out," he continued, taking her hand. "I just want you to know that... I'm sorry... for... whatever pain... I caused you. I never meant for things with Ricky to get out of control like they did. I was selfish and I never should have left you alone, especially after I found out about the twins."

Carol smiled a bit, biting her lip. She couldn't bring herself to look at him as she spoke, so she averted her gaze to the side at first, then as she continued to speak, she was able to look him in the eye. "It's not your fault, Doug. You... asked me to go with you. I was the one who was too selfish and stubborn and prideful to accept. And I thought about coming out here when I found out I was pregnant..." she trailed off, a lump forming in her throat. She looked down at her hands, not wanting Doug to see the tears in her eyes. She worked through the tears that threatened to overflow. "I was just... We've been fighting this for so long, Doug. I never meant to screw up this... this family."

It was evident that Carol was trying her best not to cry. Scooting closer to her, Doug cupped his hand around her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Carol, you listen to me," he began, trying to comfort her, his voice gentle but serious. "Please... don't blame yourself. This isn't just one person's fault. We both made the decisions in our relationship. At the time, we both decided it would be best the way things were, didn't we?" Carol nodded. "Come 'ere," he said after a few moments of silence, pulling her into his lap. "You're here now," he reminded her. "That's what matters, right?"

Carol smiled, wiping at a tear that trickled down her cheek. "Right," she whispered, as another flow of tears engulfed her.

They remained that way for what seemed like hours - Doug cradling Carol's head in his lap, stroking her hair, talking with her, laughing with her, wishing things had always been this way. 

A crack of thunder and streak of lightening both loud and bright enough to wake the dead jolted the two back to reality. Sniffing and scratching his nose nervously, once again uncomfortable, Doug rose from his spot on the couch. "Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?"

Carol smiled at Doug's nervousness. "Sure. I'll take wine, if you have it... please."

"Red, right?" he asked. 

Carol nodded, pleasantly surprised that he remembered, and watched him disappear into the kitchen. Rising from her position on the couch, Carol walked over to the entertainment center where Doug had displayed several photographs. Feeling like she was intruding, although she knew she wasn't, Carol looked apprehensively towards the kitchen as she looked at each picture. 

There were several pictures of Kate and Tess, a few of she and Doug, the ER staff at County, and a couple of Doug's family. Carol smiled as each picture sparked a different memory. A picture she'd sent the day the girls were born. She and Doug boating on Lake Michigan. An ER Christmas party. Doug and his mom, Sarah. Suddenly, Carol came across a picture of a young boy whom she didn't recognize. Picking up the photograph, Carol noticed the child bore a striking resemblance to Doug. He was an only child, so it couldn't have been a nephew, Carol knew. 

Just then, Doug sauntered back into the room and over to the entertainment center, handing Carol her drink. "Thanks," she said, rather shyly.

Doug smiled at her, kissing her cheek, following her eyes to the pictures on the shelf. "I love this one," he said, taking the shot of he and Carol on the lake and holding it close to him. "Y'know, I... I used to... I used to take this picture and just, stare at it, for hours, hoping you'd come out here one day," he said as he looked down at her, rather embarrassed at his confession. Doug grinned as he exchanged the boating photo for one of Carol, with Kate and Tess cradled in her arms, a few hours after they were born. "This..." he said, staring at the photo with pride. "This is my favorite."

Carol smiled a small smile and turned to the picture of the boy, lifting it gingerly off the shelf. "Who's this?" she asked.

"That's, that's Michael..." he explained, tilting his head and gesturing toward the picture. Doug shoved his hands in his pockets, cleared his throat and stared down at the floor. "He's 14 now," he said softly. "I never get to see him. His-his mom... sent that over..." he stammered, scratching his head. By now, little beads of sweat began to form on Doug's forehead and his heart felt as if it would burst from his chest at any moment. He was unsure of how Carol would feel about him having a picture of his son - a reminder of his past life - around, now that they were together again, even if it was just for a few days.


	2. Chapter 2

The gentle Seattle rain slowly nudged Carol from a blissful sleep. She hadn't slept so sound or so peaceful in months - not since Doug left. She lay there with her eyes closed for a moment, afraid that if she opened them everything would disappear and she'd be back in Chicago. Moaning softly, Carol opened her eyes, putting her hand to her forehead and brushing the hair away from her face. 

Climbing out of bed, Carol pulled back the curtain, revealing a sky as black as night and the soft glow of the porch light, which sent a stream of brightness - somewhat distorted because of the rivers of water trailing down the window pane - into the darkened room. She was awakened further by voices coming from the other end of the house. 

As she got closer to the kitchen, the muffled voices became clearer. She could make out Doug's voice a million miles away, but she wasn't sure who the other belonged to; it was unfamiliar and sounded younger. 

"...for a few days." Carol walked in just in time to hear the tail end of Doug's sentence.

"Hi," she said quietly, almost shyly.

"Carol," Doug said, looking up from his coffee. He seemed almost surprised at her very presence.

"Who's this?" she asked casually, gesturing toward the owner of the other voice, who had turned in his seat when Carol had walked into the room. Carol now saw that it was a young boy, probably around 13 or 14, and realized immediately who it was.

"Uh, Carol, this is Michael," Doug said, embarrassed. "Michael, this is Carol. The one I've told you so much about," he added, giving Carol a small smile.

"It's nice to meet you," Michael said politely, reaching a hand out to Carol.

She shook his hand with a smile. "You, too," she said. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Carol motioned Doug into the formal dining room, just off the kitchen. A million and one things were running through her head. The one that kept repeating itself, though, was that Doug had lied to her the night before.

Carol crossed her arms and looked at him for a moment before speaking. "I thought you never saw him," she stated matter-of-factly.

"I know," Doug said, rubbing his hands up and down Carol's arms reassuringly. "His mom died a couple of months ago... cancer... and ever since then he's been coming to visit me one weekend a month."

"And you couldn't tell me all this last night?" she asked.

"I.. didn't wanna ruin things," Doug told her. "It was your first night here and... I just didn't wanna scare ya, Carol."

Carol offered him a small smile. "Well that's very considerate of you," she said, a hint of laughter in her voice.

"'Considerate' is my middle name," he teased.

Carol just rolled her eyes and kissed him.

Wrapping his arms around her, he continued. "And you're only gonna be here a couple of days, right? I figured it didn't matter so much."

Carol took a step back and looked at him. "What?"

"Well, you didn't bring the girls with you or a whole lot of luggage, so I just assumed..."

Carol couldn't believe what she was hearing. She had thought it was understood that she was staying. Permanently. She'd told him that when he asked if she was really staying, didn't she?

"Doug... I came here with the mindset that I'd be staying here - living here - with you and the girls. Permanently." 

Doug just stood there, hands in his pockets, staring at her. "But I thought you were going back to Chicago tomorrow?" he asked.

"Oohhh..." Carol covered her face with her hands. "To get the _girls_, Doug! I figured you would want to see your daughters before they're eighteen! Plus you said you were going to that Malpractice and Asset Conference at the Chicago Hilton. I figured we'd fly out together... get Kate and Tess, stay for the conference and then... y'know... come back here."

Doug pulled a chair out from the table and sat down. "Well this is a nice surprise," he said, chuckling. 

Carol laughed and sat on Doug's lap, putting her arms around his neck. "Yeah, it is," she said, grinning.

"Do you have everything packed?" Carol asked, walking into their bedroom, where Doug had every article of clothing he owned strewn around the room.

"No," he said, hands on his hips, asessing the damage.

"What've you been doing in here!" Carol asked. "Our flight leaves in two hours, Doug," she reminded him, pulling clean t-shirts off the floor and putting them in an overnight bag.

"Y'know, I have so many things I could wear, I just can't choose," he said sarcastically, sitting on the bed, causing a mound of clothes to fall over.

"Right," Carol said, laughing.

"Are you laughing?" Doug grinned, hopping off the bed and walking towards her.

"No!" Carol shrieked, bolting from the room.

Doug chased her through the house, as Carol laughed hysterically. "I should've paid attention during the damn tour!" she shouted, laughing as she tried to manuver her way through the unfamiliar house. 

He finally cornered her in his office. Stopping in the doorway, Doug shook his head and laughed. "What?" Carol asked, grinning breathlessly. 

"Oh nothing," Doug replied, grinning back at her.

"Bye!" Carol yelled, making a beeline for the door.

"Gotcha!" Doug said, catching her and lifting her off the ground.

"That's not fair," Carol protested, kissing him.

"Oh no?" he asked, sitting on the couch, Carol still in his arms.

"We have a flight to catch..." she reminded Doug as he began to kiss her again, standing over the couch with both hands on the headrest Carol was leaning on. "C'mere you," he said, pulling Carol into his arms as she broke out into a fit of giggles.

They made it to the airport just in time to hear "Flight 493 to Chicago is now boarding" over the PA. 

"I don't believe it," Carol said, as they rushed through security.

Doug smiled and cocked his head in her direction. "What?"

"That in less than 72 hours, I've managed to catch two planes within minutes of them taking off," she responded, laughing a bit.

Doug just chuckled as they reached the gate. "Carol Hathaway, SuperWoman!" he teased.

The airport attendant scanned each of their boarding passes and wished them a pleasant flight.

Walking happily through the terminal and onto the plane, Carol and Doug found their seats and stashed their carry-ons. 

"I can't believe it," Doug said, looking at Carol.

"What?" she asked, buckling her seat belt.

"That we're all gonna be together soon," he said, smiling at the thought of their little family reunion. "I can't wait."

As the plane took off, Carol couldn't help but take inventory of her life and realize how lucky she was. How lucky that she made the flight to Seattle, lucky that Doug was unattached and willing to take her back. Most of all, Carol couldn't wait to be a true family for the first time.


	3. Chapter 3

The wind whipped through the city as Doug and Carol walked up the steep steps to Carol's house. Reaching to open the screen door, Carol was met with resistance. "Damn," she muttered, trying again. Nothing. "Here, lemme try," Doug offered, stepping in front of her and slamming a clenched fist into the door. "Might wanna... get that fixed..." he grinned, holding the door open for her.

"Thanks for the advice," Carol replied sarcastically, unlocking the main door and leading the way into her house. "You can, uh, set those empty boxes on the kitchen table," she said breathlessly, lugging her suitcase into the living room and shrugging off her jacket.

"Okie dokie," Doug replied, wandering into Carol's kitchen and taking a look around. "Nice place ya got here," he told her, setting the boxes down and taking a peek inside her refrigerator.

Carol gave him a "heh" in return. "Well, it's not the tidiest at the moment, considering I left in a bit of a rush," she called into the kitchen.

"Yeah, nice place," Doug repeated. "But uh, this milk..." he said, shaking the carton lightly as Carol poked her head around the corner. "...not so nice."

"Aw, man!" she exclaimed. Yanking open the refrigerator door, Carol gave the contents a full inspection. "God, it smells like something died in there!" she said, covering her mouth and slamming the door shut.

"So I take it we'll be going out for lunch," Doug quipped with a grin.

"Did you tell her we were coming?" Doug asked, as they came to a stop in front of Helen Hathaway's house. 

"Yes," Carol said, a bit nervously.

"Let me rephrase that," Doug said. "Did you tell her 'I' was coming?"

"She'll be fine," she said, avoiding Doug's eyes and his question. "C'mon, let's just go," she continued, getting out of the car and heading toward the house.

Doug grabbed her arm gently, forcing her to remain rooted to the pavement. 

"Aw, Doug, c'mon," she pleaded. "She already knows I went to Seattle. What's she gonna do? Ground me?" she asked with a smirk. 

Doug started to protest, but Carol interrupted him. "Let's gooo," she said, taking him by the hand and practically dragging him up the sidewalk.

Helen was at the door before Carol could ring the bell. "Carol!" she exclaimed, quickly opening the door to her daughter.

"Hey, Ma," she responded, giving her mother a quick hug.

"Hello, Doug," Helen greeted him politely. "Come on in," she offered, stepping aside so the two could enter the house.

"Are the twins awake?" Carol wanted to know.

"I put them down for a nap about an hour ago, so they should be waking up soon," Helen informed her.

The three exchanged glances and polite smiles as an uncomfortable silence enveloped them.

"Um, the girls are in your old room, Carol, if you'd like to see them," Helen offered.

Carol nodded her thanks and nudged Doug to enter the room first. "Go see your daughters."

Smiling nervously, Doug made his way into the room, careful not to make too much noise. He pushed open the door and paused there for a moment, almost afraid of entering. Carol stood in the hall, happy that her girls would finally meet their dad.

"Hey there, sweetheart," Doug said softly, leaning over one of the cribs that lined the wall to the right of the door. "You must be Tess," he said, as the infant opened her eyes and gurgled at him. Doug glanced at Carol, who nodded her head, showing him that he had assumed correctly. 

Just as Doug lifted Tess from her crib, cries could be heard from across the room. "Ah, hello Kate," Doug smiled, leaning over Kate's crib. "Are you jealous?" he asked with a smile, setting Tess in her swing. "Up we go," he told Kate, picking her up and bouncing her a little to calm her. "Hi, Katie," he said, as Kate looked up at him, calm and silent. "Let's get your sister," Doug suggested, picking up Tess with Kate in his arms.

"You're a pro," Carol observed.

"Yeah, well, you get a lot of practice in pediatrics," he reminded her.

Carol just smiled and looked on as her family began to bond.

"Thanks so much, Ma," Carol said, kissing her mother good-bye. "We'll call before we leave for Seattle. You're coming out this summer, right?" she asked.

"Of course," Helen said with a smile, trying her best not to let her daughter see the tears in her eyes. "Bye my darlings," she cooed, as Doug and Carol headed out the door, a twin in each arm.

After piling the girls and their belongings into the car, the family headed to the Hilton. 

"We could always stay at my place," Carol offered.

"My place has room service," Doug chuckled.

"The Hilton it is!" Carol smiled, leaning her head against the back of the seat.

The Hathaway-Ross family made their way through the lobby of the hotel with two screaming infants in tow.

"You check us in, I'll take care of the monsters," Carol offered, taking the girls and their carriers over to a nearby couch.

"Hi, I'm Doug Ross, I have a room reserved."

The receptionist behind the desk gave Doug his room keys and returned his credit card and drivers license. 

"Do you have any messages for me?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman replied, handing Doug two pieces of paper. "A Mark Greene and a Leslie Fielding."

The second name caught Doug by surprise. 'Leslie?' he wondered. Suddenly he remembered. He had made plans to meet with her while he was in Chicago - before his plans had been slightly changed. Glancing at Carol, Doug quickly shoved the slips of paper into his pocket and thanked the woman at the desk.

"Let's go," he said casually, walking to where the three girls were seated, all of them silent now. "Finally got these two to settle down?" he asked, picking up Kate and heading toward the elevators.

Carol followed him with Tess, almost cautiously. She had seen the receptionist hand him his messages, and she'd also seen the quick look he'd given her before putting the notes in his pocket. Carol's instincts told her something was up, and she didn't like it.


	4. Chapter 4

AUTHORS NOTE: The song in this chapter is "Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan. Lyrics courtesy of 

Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning  
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy  
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong  
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

Unlocking the door of the hotel room, Doug tossed the key on the dresser and set Kate on the floor, who was quietly sleeping in her carrier. 

"I'm gonna... return these calls," Doug said, turning to Carol, who was seated on the bed, feeding Tess a bottle. "It'll only take a minute," he promised. 

Carol nodded silently as Doug picked up the phone from the nightstand and dialed Mark's number.

While Doug was on the phone with Mark, Carol rose from her position on the bed and began pacing the room with Tess in her arms. _This is stupid_, she thought. _Doug has changed. Anyone can see that. So why am I freaking out over this? Especially when I'm not even sure what 'this' is! _She sighed as Doug hung up the phone.

"Mark wants us to meet him and Elizabeth for dinner tonight," he told her. Waiting for a response, Doug took Tess from Carol's arms. "Carol?"

"Uh, yeah, that's fine," she said, nodding.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yep."

"I've got a seminar in fifteen minutes," Doug said as he bounced Tess on his hip. "Advancements in Pediatric Medicine."

"Mmm... fun," Carol teased.

"You could always go and I could stay here with the girls," he offered with a grin as he pulled off his t-shirt and changed into a blue polo shirt and a pair of black pants.

Ten minutes later, Doug was ready to go. "You're gonna be late," Carol told him, checking her watch.

"Nah, how can they start without 'me'?" he asked with a grin as he softly kissed her. "I'll be back as soon as possible. Bye munchkins," he said, kissing each one on the forhead before shutting the door behind him.

Left alone with two sleeping infants, Carol couldn't help but wonder who the other message was from. She also couldn't help but realize that Doug had only returned Mark's message before he left. Suddenly she spotted Doug's jeans lying on the bed. Glancing towards the door, almost afraid that Doug would come back and find her snooping, Carol slid her hand inside the back pocket and retrieved the pieces of paper. She let Mark's message fall to the floor, only interested in the second one. Scanning the paper, Carol silently read: _"Leslie Fielding - wanted to confirm dinner for this evening. Will attend conference." _

Carol looked up from the paper, too shocked to even formulate her thoughts.

How stupid could I be  
a simpleton could see  
that youre no good for me   
but youre the only one I see

That night, Doug and Carol left the girls with her mother and headed to the Rosebud for dinner with Mark and Elizabeth.

"What time are they meeting us again?" Carol asked, as they walked up the front steps of the restaurant. 

"Uh... Mark said around eight," Doug replied, checking his watch.

"I hope we don't have to wait long," Carol scoffed, as she walked through the door Doug held open for her. "I'm starving."

"You haven't changed a bit," he chuckled.

Once inside, the pair scanned the dimly lit restaurant for their friends. Waving from a booth in the back corner, with lighting even worse than the rest of the room, were Mark and Elizabeth.

"What're you, vampires?" Doug cracked, as he sauntered up to the table.

"Hey!" Mark grinned, giving him a good-natured slap on the back. "How's it going?"

"It's... going," he smiled, as he slid into the booth next to Carol.

"Yeah?" Mark asked. "And you," he said, turning to Carol. "Thanks a lot for running off on us like that."

Blushing slightly, Carol grinned. "Sorry," she apologized. 

"Uh huh, sure," Mark smiled at her.

"Leave her alone," Elizabeth insisted. "I think it's wonderful, Carol."

2 hours later

The laughter and drinks were flowing as the foursome talked after their meal. 

"I think I'm gonna head back to the hotel," Doug said, looking in Carol's direction.

The look on Carol's face was a worried one as she asked, "Why?"

"The... alcohol's just, getting to me, is all."

"All right, well, it was nice seeing you guys..." Carol said, gathering her things.

"W-why, why don't you stay, Carol?" Doug stammered, shoving his hands in his pockets nervously.

Carol looked up at him, confused, then glanced back at Mark and Elizabeth. "You're sure you don't want me to come with you?" she asked, a puzzled expression etched on her face.

"Nah, I'm just gonna, catch a cab, go lie down... take a couple aspirin... I'll be fine. You-you guys enjoy yourselves. Mark, I'll talk to you later," Doug said, pointing a finger at his friend. "Elizabeth, it was great to see you again." Turning his attention to Carol, he gently rested his hand on her shoulder. "I'll see you later," he whispered, quickly kissing her neck and promptly leaving the restaurant.

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered  
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer  
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create  
an oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone  
you leave me here burning in this desert without you  
Doug immediately opted out of the cab idea, and walked the block to the hotel instead. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he took in the lights of the city and sighed. Fumbling in his pockets, he found what he was looking for. Running his thumb over the small packet, Doug began to whistle as he rounded the corner and headed into the lobby of the Hilton.

"Should we be worried?" Mark asked after Doug's sudden disappearance.

Carol shrugged. "You know how he is. Give him his space when he needs it and he'll be fine."

Doug put on his 'swagger' as he entered the lobby of the hotel. Scanning the tourists and conference attendees, he spotted her. She was leaning against the front desk, wearing a slinky red dress and four-inch heels. Her eyes were immediately glued to him. The way he walked and presented himself drove her crazy.

"Hey stranger," she said, as Doug walked up to the blonde-haired woman.

"Leslie," he nodded.

"So, your suite or mine?" she asked with a smile, as Doug put an arm around her and led her upstairs.

Doug's only response was a devilish chuckle.

How stupid could I be  
a simpleton could see  
that youre no good for me  
but youre the only one I see

"I'd better head back," Carol said, slinging her purse over her shoulder. "Doug should be asleep by now."

"We'd better get going as well," Elizabeth agreed. "Would you like us to drop you off at the hotel?"

Carol smiled her appreciation. "No thanks," she said. "I think I'm just" she paused, sighing "just gonna walk back."

"You're sure?" Elizabeth asked again.

"Yeah," she nodded, glancing down at the table and back at her friends. 

"Doug... oh God... please... don't stop," Leslie moaned breathlessly. "You're amazing," she smiled, as Doug laid down beside her.

"Yeah?" he laughed.

"Oh yeah," she replied, catching her breath.

Everything changes everything falls apart  
I cant stand to feel myself losing control  
In the deep of my weakness I know

How stupid could I be  
a simpleton could see  
that youre no good for me  
but youre the only one I see

Carol walked slowly down the hall to the room she and Doug shared, pulling her leather coat tightly around her and crossing her arms over her shoulders.

"Wanna try that again?" Doug asked with a smirk.

"You bet," Leslie replied, propping herself up on one elbow. She leaned over and gave him a long and passionate kiss.

"You're incredible," Doug chuckled.

Knocking softly on the door, Carol paused briefly for a response. "Doug?" She tried again, this time knocking a bit harder. 

Hearing muffled noises on the other side of the door, Carol leaned against the doorframe, just out of range of the peep-hole on the door.

Suddenly the door opened and Doug appeared, wearing an old, dark gray t-shirt. "Carol," he said, almost surprised. "Uh..." he stalled, looking over his shoulder.

"Who is it, baby?" Leslie asked, coming up behind him and cupping her left arm around his shoulder.


	5. Chapter 5

AUTHORS NOTE: The song used in this chapter is 'Breathe' by Melissa Etheridge. Lyrics courtesy of played the fool today  
And I just dream of vanishing into the crowd  
Longing for home again  
But home  
Is a feeling I buried in you

Carol stood in the doorway, silent, unable to move or speak for several minutes. Finally, with her arms crossed over her chest, she asked in a low whisper, "Is she why you left the restaurant?" Not getting a response, Carol tried again, trying her best not to scream the words, "Is she why you left the restaurant!"

Doug reached out and put his hands on Carol's shoulders. "Carol..."

Carol shoved Doug's arms away. "Don't touch me!" she spat, her eyes brimming with tears. She took a deep breath and began again. "I'm only going to ask this one more time." Not taking her eyes off Doug's, she annunciated every word. "Is she the reason you left the restaurant?"

Doug couldn't bear to look her in the eye. Averting his gaze, he mumbled "yeah..."

Nodding silently, Carol turned and began walking down the hall. "Carol, wait!" Doug pleaded, walking after her.

"What!" she asked, whirling around so fast she almost lost her balance.

"Let's talk about this," he suggested.

"Talk about this?" she repeated. "You wanna talk about this? Y'know Doug, you remind me of someone," Carol crossed her arms over her chest, looking briefly away from Doug. "Your father." She waited for the words to sink in, for the sting she knew was there, for the nerve she knew she'd hit. 

Doug just stared at her, unable to say a word. 

After what seemed like hours, Carol continued. "You want our children to grow up the way we did, Doug? Fatherless? Do you want them to know firsthand what it was like for you as a kid, pretending to be asleep when your dad came in drunk at four in the morning and picked a fight with your mother after screwing some slut?"

"You don't know a damn thing about my father," Doug said in a weak defense. He knew she was right.

Carol laughed in spite of the situation. "I knew him well enough to see you becoming him more and more every day. I don't want to become your mother, Doug. I don't want to be sitting up nights, worrying about where you are, who you're with... hell, if you're even alive!" Taking her voice down a few notches, she went on. "My mother hated men, Doug. Hated them. For years. You know how long it took me to make a real commitment to you," she said, her eyes welling up with tears again. She let them spill over this time, not even bothering to wipe them away. "And now that I have, you go and complicate things again. I don't know what you want," she sniffed, shrugging, her eyebrows raised, another exasperated laugh escaping her mouth. "All I know is that you better get your act together once and for all, Doug Ross. Because I am not going to sit and watch you slowly ruin our lives." With that, Carol turned and began walking away.

"I'm sorry," Doug called after her. "Carol-"

"I'm sorry." It sounded just as pitiful as it had six years ago on the El platform, or during the Baby Josh fiasco, or a year ago in the ambulance bay after Dr. Anspaugh closed her clinic because of the Ricky Abbott case, or the countless other times she had heard it. Carol turned quickly and looked at him, tears still running down her face. "That's what you always say, Doug."

I'm alright I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe  
And I can't ask for things to be still again  
No I can't ask if I could walk though the world in your eyes  
Longing for home again  
But home  
Is a feeling I buried in you

After their argument, Carol walked the five blocks to County. She'd been an employee there only three days prior, but it felt weird being there. She decided to sit on the bench in the ambulance bay instead of going inside right away, not ready to face her friends and their assorted questions just yet.

Leslie left shortly after Carol, which Doug was happy about. He knew Carol was right and he wasn't going to deny it. After all, he was in enough trouble as it was. He had picked the twins up at the sitters and returned to the hotel.

"Looks like it's just us tonight," he told the girls, as he put them to bed. "Your mom's pretty mad at me. She should be. Your old man was stupid. That's not the way it's going to be," he vowed, running his hand over Kate's head. "I promise."

I'm alright I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe  
My window through which nothing hides  
And everything sings  
I'm counting the signs  
And cursing the miles in between  
Oh  
And home is a feeling I buried in you  
That I buried in you  
I'm alright I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe

"Carol?"

The sound of Mark's voice startled Carol from her thoughts.

"What're you doing out here?" he asked. "Everything okay?" Mark took a seat next to Carol on the bench, putting his lab coat around her. She looked like she was freezing.

"Doug left the restaurant to meet a woman," she said simply.

"What?" Mark could hardly believe what Carol was telling him. He had known Doug Ross for years - hell, they were best friends - and all of Doug's "signs" had even gotten past him.

Carol looked at Mark and nodded. "Yep."

"I... I don't know what to say, Carol," Mark said honestly.

"You don't have to say anything, Mark. I'm just stupid and naive, apparently. I thought he could change... I thought he HAD changed." Carol was near tears now and tried to hide them from Mark.

Mark slid an arm gingerly around her shoulder. "C'mon, let's go somewhere and talk."

The two ended up on the roof of the hospital. Mark had managed to "smuggle" Carol in without being seen.

A million things were going through Mark's head. "What..."

"I don't know, Mark," Carol said, wiping her tear-stained face with the back of her hand. "Whatever it is you're going to ask, I don't know."

After a brief pause, he gently asked, "Would you like me to leave you alone?" He could tell he wasn't going to get much out of her and he needed to get back to work.

"Could you?" Carol turned to look at him, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry, Mark. I just need time to... figure this out."

"Of course," he said sympathetically, squeezing her hand. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

"Thanks," she said, watching him walk away.

1 hour later

Carol had lost track of the time she'd been standing on the roof, looking at the Chicago skyline illuminated by lights. She was so deep in her thoughts that a long-forgotten yet familiar voice made her breath catch in her throat.

"Carol?"

Carol turned to see the last person she expected standing in the doorway. "Carol Hathaway?"

She couldn't believe her eyes. After all these years, there he was, in the flesh, right before her eyes. "Tag?"

John Taglieri walked towards her and she could see that the years had treated him well. He was even more handsome than she remembered. She wiped at her face and smiled at him. "What... what are you doing here?"

"I'm in town for the conference... You... you look great," he said, looking her over. 

"Thanks, so do you," she said, a little hesitantly.

"I'm in Boston now," Tag told her, trying to make conversation. "I've got my own practice, and... What about you? No husband, I see," he said, taking her hand into his. "I figured you and Doug Ross would be married with ten kids by now."

"Something like that," she mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said, shaking her head.

"You okay?" he asked, visibly concerned.

"I'm fine," she said, dissolving into tears again.

Tag took her by the shoulders affectionately. "What's the matter, Carol?" he asked, trying to look her in the eye. Carol only buried her face in his chest. "I found Doug with another woman tonight," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Oh Carol," he said sympathetically. "I'm so sorry." He began to rub her back, trying to calm her.

Over the next 45 minutes, Carol unloaded everything to Tag. The girls, Seattle, everything. "I'm so sorry, Tag," she said, tears threatening to overflow again. 

"Hey," he said seriously, taking her face in his hands. The two stared at one another for what seemed like days. Carol knew what she was about to do was wrong, but it felt so right. She leaned in closer, inch by inch, as Tag did the same. "We shouldn't..." Tag mumbled. "Mmmhmm..." she replied, taking his mouth with hers. She had forgotten what he tasted like, but a part of her always remembered. She took his face in her hands, pulling him closer to her. She wanted him. Desperately.


End file.
